Just wondering...

If you read any of the other posts... You asked a question, I made an effort to answer it and I'm not sure you're even prepared to consider the answer... I have doubts as to whether you actually want to be happy...

Failure isn't the end

Sadness is winning just at the moment and my playlist has joined in playing songs that soothe, but are indulgent of my mood and I acknowledge that listening to Soon We'll Be Found and the like will possibly prolong the return of happy - but it's all I can do right now... Still, I know happy will come back... but for now, I'm aurally cutting myself...

Would an analogy help?

I've not given this much thought so it could be completely shite, but here goes:
For me, sadness is a bit like a sharp stone in your shoe - it's an uncomfortable state that I want to avoid or end as quickly as I can, so I will take my shoe off, awkwardly lean on a wall, nearly fall over and look something less than graceful in an effort to remove the stone and be comfortable again.

Don't leave the stone in your shoe.

You need to make a list...

Somehow, I don't know how, but somehow you need to identify things that make you happy or at least bring you pleasure. I'm not talking about long term goals or projects that you can throw yourself into, I'm talking about little things you have immediate control over - that could be a photo of Sox, a packet of something yummy in your desk, a wank in the toilet, an uplifting book you can read on breaks, whatever. For me, one thing that makes me happy is music. Today, I am still fighting sad, particularly after your text this morning which seems incongruent with the way you act toward me (but that's possibly my problem to deal with, not yours?). My weapon of choice to fight sad today is music. John Butler Trio are soothing me in the background today and I think I am happier that they are here than if they were not... John Butler and I are a sad fighting team today. How can sad beat John Butler? I think JB will win convincingly. And I guess that's one of those 'secrets' - happy requires effort and a decision to fight for it, over and over and over again... If you won't fight for it, again and again and again (because it will never be a constant state to be achieved), you can't have it... I don't know if any of this makes sense, or is indeed transferable even if it does, but I'm trying to articulate it the process or function as it works for me as best I can, just in case it can be applied elsewhere.

More things to look forward to...

Right now, finding happy is very difficult for me. I feel sad that someone I love is sad and I have trouble coping with the manifestation of his sadness. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong and that it's my fault - and maybe it is, although it's never made clear. I feel I'm being kept at a distance and I don't know why.

Anyway, this isn't about bitching but about finding happy, so...

I went for a run when I got home to try to shed some sad, have put on some washing, about to do the dishes and I am thinking about things to look forward to - House is back on tomorrow and oh how I have been waiting for it! and I am looking forward to getting on the scales tomorrow morning. I have been good today and I am hoping to be rewarded with a pleasant number. So although I am feeling sad, I am looking for things to be happy about, and that helps...

Things to do

I'm not talking about a list of things to do, but I think one of the secrets to happy is having things in your life to do, and if circumstance hasn't provided this for you (like having kids), you need to go out and do it for yourself.  The more empty time you have, the emptier your life will feel. It probably doesn't even matter what it is. For me, I work long hours, which fills plenty of time.  The rest of the time is filled with family and friends, organising netball, study, watering my new herb garden and cleaning (and thoughts of leaning musical instruments, reading and learning to juggle). I have amassed a big enough internal list of things that I could do to fill my time that I am never bored or without things to do.

It's just a suggestion, but I think it would help to have more things to do (=less time to dwell), whether it's study, volunteering, a new passion for cleaning, a WEA short course whatever, just something to exercise your mind and maybe challenge the comfort perimetres... Don't know what the right thing to do is? I can relate. You can either let me pick something for you to start with or have a proper think about it yourself.  I'll give you an example though - Robert is sick of feeling at the mercy of outboard mechanics and having to outsource all of the time because he doesn't know about them, so he's enrolled in a short course to learn about them. Is that the answer to happiness? No, but it's a distraction away from unhappiness, which is a good place to start.

The catalogue

If I didn't know you better, I would suggest you start to collate a list of things that make you happy... but I won't. For me, it would include:

• Square bullet points
• Horses
• Seeing horses on Briens Road every day
• Cold grass 
• Cold water on my hands
• Touching polished wood
• The Cutting Edge
• Tilly
• M&Ms
• The bit of cardboard tied to a sign on Briens Road that says only 'HAPPY'
• Music
• Things that glow
• Flowers
• Family

And so on...

Although I don't expect you to name (just for yourself) things that make you happy in list form, I would suggest that every time you come across one, you pasue for a moment to savour the happy it brings...

It's not all sunshine and lollipops...

...and perhaps it's good for you to know that. I was feeling good before breakfast and post that, I've arrived home by myself, not sure why you wanted to stay behind and worrying it's my fault, but I'm not sure what I've done to cause it and I don't know what I should do to fix it, maybe I can't fix it and it's permanently broken. The dark thoughts have taken over for the moment. I'm trying to change them to good thoughts and trying to create little distractions - Chantelle looks cute on the second perch, is she doing it because it's cooler down lower? Mana's toy is slimy but she loves it so, I love the feeling of cold water on my hands on a hot day so I let the water run longer than it should... but then I keep going back to you - I either haven't found the right distraction yet or I just need to ride out the dark and let it run its course. Either way, in the back of my mind, I know the dark will go away eventually - I don't know how or when but I know it will. But right now, the dark thoughts are winning this battle - have I made you sad, will you be sad forever, what's the point, why do we continue like this, how would we perform a group exit from this earth, including the pets without leaving a big mess for someone to clean up?

It is a battle, happiness. Maybe not for everyone, I don't know. But I can say for myself, I don't believe it's a static state. I think it's more like a sine wave and I think you have some control over where in the graph you are - but not complete control. I shall give you an example. Last week when I joined the video store, I noticed Matching Jack - a movie I REALLY wanted to see when it was on at the movies (but I didn't push it and it never happened and it's one of those unresolved things that niggles at you). The other movie that caught my eye was My Sister's Keeper, another movie I would have liked to have seen. The subject matter for both is family relationships around organ donation. Given that's a bit of a sensitive subject for me at the moment, I decided I wasn't in the right frame of mind to watch them - fearing it would adversely effect my mental state, I chose to avoid the potentially dangerous stimulus (for now). I will watch them at some stage, just not yet.

For me, I know some of the triggers that will derail the happiness and I choose to avoid them (most of the time) - I would not watch Leaving Las Vegas on a downer and if I did, I would be honest with myself that I am chosing to indulge in the sadness - which is ok sometimes, sometimes it's actually soothing to do so, so long as it doesn't become a destructive pasttime... Even though the unhappiness makes a visit, every moment, every hour, every day there is new potential for happiness to visit so you can never give in to thinking that the happiness has gone because the sad has made a visit. Anyway, I have possibly lost the essence of what I wanted to say by going off on tangents, but I wanted to say that you should know it's not all sunshine all the time... and that's no reason to be unhappy.

Looking forward or looking back?

It's your choice but I think a general state of happiness requires something to look forward to.  It's 9:45 and we have to be somewhere at 10am. I've just opened the floodgates of thought here and there's so much more I want to say and I want to say it now while it's fresh lest I lose it all and become a blank vessle by the time we got home and I get to a computer again.

Standing in the kitchen, I felt sad for a moment, that I couldn't have what I wanted - to stay and write until I didn't feel like writing any more. The committments of the day had spoiled my fun and it was all ruined. But having started this exercise this morning made me stop and reframe the problem - yes, it's somewhat disappointing not being able to do something you're enthused to do when you're enthused to do it - but on the other side, I have something to look forward to when I get home. So while I'm at breakfast, I can nibble on that thought for an instant shot of happiness that I'm going to get something I really want and don't have to wait too long... and that will make me happy.

Something to work on...

My mind is usually a cluttered city of thoughts flitting from one to another, sometimes thoughts colliding, overlapping. Driving to the servo this morning to pick up coffee, I was aware of it - like spectating the events of my head and I realised that on that short drive, I thought of you, ponies, gardening, replayed conversations with a friend, juggling, drinking, Roy, WEA and so on. As soon as I reached a thought that I didn't like (or rather a topic that brought with it sad feelings instead of happy) my mind became aware and seemed to automatically change lanes and move on to something happier. I can't give you specific instructions on how to do this - I suspect this has been a (possibly subconscious) process that has taken some years to develop but something you might want to think about.

You asked...

You asked me last night what makes me happy or how to I get myself happy and I, off the cuff, distilled it down to distraction. Distraction may indeed be a good umbrella term for it, I'm not sure. Since then, I've been thinking about it, trying to find a better answer, something replicable, something complete. I'm not sure I have that but I have the germ of an idea... which brings me here.

I have composed flow charts, lists and blog posts in my head this morning in an effort to provide a solution to the happiness problem. The collection in my head isn't neat or orderly but we'll see how we go...