Just wondering...

If you read any of the other posts... You asked a question, I made an effort to answer it and I'm not sure you're even prepared to consider the answer... I have doubts as to whether you actually want to be happy...

Failure isn't the end

Sadness is winning just at the moment and my playlist has joined in playing songs that soothe, but are indulgent of my mood and I acknowledge that listening to Soon We'll Be Found and the like will possibly prolong the return of happy - but it's all I can do right now... Still, I know happy will come back... but for now, I'm aurally cutting myself...

Would an analogy help?

I've not given this much thought so it could be completely shite, but here goes:
For me, sadness is a bit like a sharp stone in your shoe - it's an uncomfortable state that I want to avoid or end as quickly as I can, so I will take my shoe off, awkwardly lean on a wall, nearly fall over and look something less than graceful in an effort to remove the stone and be comfortable again.

Don't leave the stone in your shoe.

You need to make a list...

Somehow, I don't know how, but somehow you need to identify things that make you happy or at least bring you pleasure. I'm not talking about long term goals or projects that you can throw yourself into, I'm talking about little things you have immediate control over - that could be a photo of Sox, a packet of something yummy in your desk, a wank in the toilet, an uplifting book you can read on breaks, whatever. For me, one thing that makes me happy is music. Today, I am still fighting sad, particularly after your text this morning which seems incongruent with the way you act toward me (but that's possibly my problem to deal with, not yours?). My weapon of choice to fight sad today is music. John Butler Trio are soothing me in the background today and I think I am happier that they are here than if they were not... John Butler and I are a sad fighting team today. How can sad beat John Butler? I think JB will win convincingly. And I guess that's one of those 'secrets' - happy requires effort and a decision to fight for it, over and over and over again... If you won't fight for it, again and again and again (because it will never be a constant state to be achieved), you can't have it... I don't know if any of this makes sense, or is indeed transferable even if it does, but I'm trying to articulate it the process or function as it works for me as best I can, just in case it can be applied elsewhere.

More things to look forward to...

Right now, finding happy is very difficult for me. I feel sad that someone I love is sad and I have trouble coping with the manifestation of his sadness. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong and that it's my fault - and maybe it is, although it's never made clear. I feel I'm being kept at a distance and I don't know why.

Anyway, this isn't about bitching but about finding happy, so...

I went for a run when I got home to try to shed some sad, have put on some washing, about to do the dishes and I am thinking about things to look forward to - House is back on tomorrow and oh how I have been waiting for it! and I am looking forward to getting on the scales tomorrow morning. I have been good today and I am hoping to be rewarded with a pleasant number. So although I am feeling sad, I am looking for things to be happy about, and that helps...