...and perhaps it's good for you to know that. I was feeling good before breakfast and post that, I've arrived home by myself, not sure why you wanted to stay behind and worrying it's my fault, but I'm not sure what I've done to cause it and I don't know what I should do to fix it, maybe I can't fix it and it's permanently broken. The dark thoughts have taken over for the moment. I'm trying to change them to good thoughts and trying to create little distractions - Chantelle looks cute on the second perch, is she doing it because it's cooler down lower? Mana's toy is slimy but she loves it so, I love the feeling of cold water on my hands on a hot day so I let the water run longer than it should... but then I keep going back to you - I either haven't found the right distraction yet or I just need to ride out the dark and let it run its course. Either way, in the back of my mind, I know the dark will go away eventually - I don't know how or when but I know it will. But right now, the dark thoughts are winning this battle - have I made you sad, will you be sad forever, what's the point, why do we continue like this, how would we perform a group exit from this earth, including the pets without leaving a big mess for someone to clean up?
It is a battle, happiness. Maybe not for everyone, I don't know. But I can say for myself, I don't believe it's a static state. I think it's more like a sine wave and I think you have some control over where in the graph you are - but not complete control. I shall give you an example. Last week when I joined the video store, I noticed Matching Jack - a movie I REALLY wanted to see when it was on at the movies (but I didn't push it and it never happened and it's one of those unresolved things that niggles at you). The other movie that caught my eye was My Sister's Keeper, another movie I would have liked to have seen. The subject matter for both is family relationships around organ donation. Given that's a bit of a sensitive subject for me at the moment, I decided I wasn't in the right frame of mind to watch them - fearing it would adversely effect my mental state, I chose to avoid the potentially dangerous stimulus (for now). I will watch them at some stage, just not yet.
For me, I know some of the triggers that will derail the happiness and I choose to avoid them (most of the time) - I would not watch Leaving Las Vegas on a downer and if I did, I would be honest with myself that I am chosing to indulge in the sadness - which is ok sometimes, sometimes it's actually soothing to do so, so long as it doesn't become a destructive pasttime... Even though the unhappiness makes a visit, every moment, every hour, every day there is new potential for happiness to visit so you can never give in to thinking that the happiness has gone because the sad has made a visit. Anyway, I have possibly lost the essence of what I wanted to say by going off on tangents, but I wanted to say that you should know it's not all sunshine all the time... and that's no reason to be unhappy.
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